He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
