Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize