Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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