Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
