i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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