there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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