If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
