And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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