pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
