nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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