The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hippo gnu deer
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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