I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
