i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We don't watch enough power rangers
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
