I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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