There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
