Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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