I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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