I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
