I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I met the friendliest cop last night
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
