my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
vagina is talking i cant
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
