My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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