can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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