and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize