ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
