So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
