I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
