someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
