i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
