I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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