I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
