this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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