I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
