The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
