The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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