I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize