my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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