my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
