when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
