Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
