we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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