my vag is so smooth its legendary
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
