Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
