Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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