Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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