the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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