the condom got lost in my hair
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This is my gift to your gina
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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