YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
