wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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