So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
