She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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