yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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