I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
