maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
