Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
