Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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