Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
