i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
