i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
