my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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