I am midnight drunk by noon
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
