theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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