Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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